Church is for girls

"My husband hates going to church," she said with her face buried in her hands, tears flowing down her cheeks.

I wonder why this surprises women. How many men do you see wanting to head out to hang with people they don't know to sing songs they don't know while listening to some guy they don't know lecturing them from behind a desk? Church looks like a pretty feminine institution to me. "Let's all get together to share our hearts." Um, no thanks.

Women, on the whole, not all, love stuff like this. They go out of their way to take walks together or catch up while sipping coffee from giant mugs. They plan "play dates" for their kids and go to "mom's group" meetings mostly to connect with other women. Their notebooks fill up at bible studies while most men look to their watches wondering how long it will be before they are free.

About a year ago I heard of a church with a men's service. They met in the gym for no more than an hour. The pastor promised there would be no singing but lots of humor. When he got up to preach he would ask that 20 minutes be put up on the scoreboard. He crafted his messages to be fast-paced and relevant and done by the time the final buzzer sounded when the board hit zero. After the message ended the guys either watched a game together on large screens or cleared the tables to play floor hockey or shoot hoops. The service was growing each month and guys started developing friendships. Some of those friendships even spilled over into Sunday morning services, golf courses and workplaces.

As you can imagine, the keepers of "sound doctrine" and "deeper teaching" went on the attack with "that's not real church" and "it's compromising the gospel." Blah, blah, blah ... Why does the established church always seem to be compelled to undermine anything new or any attempt to penetrate the culture with something that just might work?

I bet the majority of women would hate that type of service. Maybe a husband would end up it my office asking, "Why does my wife hate going to church?"

Let's dare to do something different.

Michael doesn't want to be a wizard

"Church is all about rules," 14 year old Michael said. His body language and expression told me that, to him, it was a bad thing.

Michael has been going to church since he was born. His mom and dad love him. His church has active children and youth programs. His church is big - nice gym, classrooms with flatscreens and lots of places for him to get involved. The worship band rocks.


After 14 years of sitting in classrooms and pews week after week he's reached a conclusion. Christianity is all about what God wants him to do or not do and that's it. Case closed.


I wonder if Michael is right. Is it really all about rules? Or, is it just that my young friend does not have the cognitive depth to understand what is really going on? Maybe he just can't understand grace so he defaults to the rules. That sounds weak. I think he can understand grace.


Michael gets A's. He's a bright kid and an athlete. Why is he missing the grace piece? I think it's probably because of what he sees around him. He knows he can't go to certain movies because his parents are Christians. He knows he can't read Harry Potter books because they will somehow make him want to be a wizard. He knows he can't listen to Kanye West on his iPOD because Jesus wouldn't like it. In Michael's eyes, church is responsible for making him stick out like a sore thumb at school. Church is the reason his parents lay down rules that his friends don't have to live by.


Michael knows the Sunday school song below and has learned he needs to be careful about everything but he's not sure why. In his mind he needs to be careful because God is watching him. He's not really sure of what happens when he hears, sees, thinks or does something "bad." He's pretty sure what happens to "bad" people.


Oh, be careful little ears, what you hear
For the Father Up above,
Is looking down in love,
So be careful little ears what you hear.

And then it goes on for six more verses...
Oh, be careful little eyes, what you see,
Oh, be careful little mouth, what you say,
Oh, be careful little hands, what you do
Oh, be careful little feet where you go
Oh, be careful little mind what you think
Oh, be careful little heart what you love


I can't blame Michael. I think it's easy to see where he learned that church is all about rules. We churches tend to press on to "deeper" things once we think we've got salvation covered. For us, those deeper things focus on the practical "how to live" teachings. We say, "Now that you are a Christian you will ..."

Michael has not found church to be a freeing place. For him, it is a place of condemnation that continuously points out that he is a screw-up. He is not empowered to live life and doesn't understand the freedom he has in Jesus. He doesn't know that the Father sees him as perfect, holy and spotless. He doesn't know that God is fond of him and loves him regardless of Harry Potter movies or Jamie Foxx playing on his iPOD. He has not discovered the boundless love of Jesus which has compelled millions to shape their lives around Him.


Michael has gone to church for 14 years and has not encountered Jesus.

Conversations, Debates, Walls and Bridges

It takes at least two people to have a conversation. Conversations include giving and receiving; talking and listening.

Debates are different than conversations. The goal of a debate is to verbally beat down the opponent and be crowned the winner. Debate focuses on sound arguments, timing, intonation and careful presentation. The ebb and flow of volume and pitch are carefully orchestrated to bring about the goal of a win.

I like to debate. Some people hate debates. I like conversations. Most everyone enjoys conversation. Why the difference?

In debating I listen to my opponents' arguments while searching for the crack which will allow me a way in to cause their foundation to crumble. But, I'm not really interested in hearing them, identifying with them or considering their words. Debate is not about understanding, it is about winning.

Conversations happen. You say what you think and feel. I hear it and respond. Conversation is connection. It is sharing and valuing. Conversations lead to discoveries and understanding.

I think faith is a conversation that too often gets bumped by debate. My fellow Christians and I get training to become better debaters. We talk about worldview and defending God. (Can the Sovereign be defended? Does the Sovereign need defending?) Don't get me wrong ... it's good training and will come in handy when we find ourselves in the middle of debates.

I'd rather defuse debates and turn them to conversations. I'd rather hear what my Muslim neighbor believes and understand why he believes it. I'd rather talk with my gay friend and hear his heart and try to understand him instead of bringing out my "Three Ways to Convert Gays" pamphlet. I've learned that when I truly work to listen and understand others that they give me the same privilege of sharing what makes me who I am. Conversations lead to understanding. Debates usually just reinforce walls.

As a follower of Christ, I believe it's the Holy Spirit who brings about the result He desires. From what I see in Christ, my job is to love God and love others. In that love I will be ready to give an answer for the Hope that lives within me and will do that with gentleness and respect.

Conversations build relational bridges.

What's the point?

What's the point of checking into Christ? Why look at the way he lived life? Why consider the things he said?

Most people I talk to have no major issues with Jesus. I hear things like, "He was a good man," and "He was revolutionary," and "He did a lot of good things." But the attitude turns negative pretty quickly when I ask what people think of church. I hear complaints of judgmental attitudes, self-righteous superiority and meaningless tradition. It sounds like the church and Christ are not even related in their eyes.

I'm a pastor. People outside our comfy walls make me sad but I'm not sure what is at the root of that sadness. Am I sad that that say bad things or am I sad that the bad things they say are true?

I went to a church once where the pastor became some sort of surrogate for God in the eyes of many of the people. They would seek his input in every decision and were paralyzed when he wasn't around to tell them what to do. He seemed to like the arrangement on people growing more and more dependent on him being God's anointed. He used warfare terminology and set outsiders up as pawns of the enemy. It was us verses them. Cable TV was a channel for demons to enter our homes and the key to keeping demons out was to have him come to our homes and put oil on window sills while praying against Satan. Some people really got into it. Me? I just couldn't find it in the teachings of Jesus.

I flip through the channels on television and see people wearing big gold rings, blowing on people who then fall over and promising blessings for whoever sends in money. They all talk about Jesus. I see news shows with clips of people yelling and holding up big signs with "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" block printed on poster-board. I think, "Wow, so that's the slogan? That's the best you've got." I look for all of these folks' attitudes in the teachings of Jesus and I can't find them.

Maybe we're missing the point. Jesus said the point was to love God about all and then love others. Shouldn't that be what we're known for?

I apologize if a church hurt you. I apologize for the people who, without even knowing you, have gotten into your face to tell you you're going to hell. I apologize that you've not seen the life-changing, course-changing, defining love of Jesus in me. If we are the obstacles that keep you from considering Jesus, that makes me sad.

I encourage you to look past me and all the others who have blown it and go directly to the book of Luke to check out Jesus for yourself (and then flip to John). He really did change the world. It's worth finding out how and why.